Kamis, 05 Desember 2013

Blimey ; what a spectacular trade deal

The sight of David Cameron, prostrating himself flat at the feet of the Chinese "emperors" is a beautiful reminder of the state of affairs of the British Empire. To understand the context, about a year or so ago, David Cameron had the temerity to meet with the Dalai Lama. Now anybody who even smiles at the Dalai Lama is a pariah  as far as the Chinese government is concerned. David Cameron committed the unpardonable sin of actually shaking His Holiness's hand. China promptly condemned UK to the doghouse - no meetings, no trade deals, no investments, etc etc. For one year, the naughty schoolboy was made to stand outside the class.  After a year of punishment, he has been allowed inside again.

Promptly the Rt Hon'ble Prime Minister has taken a big delegation and gone straight to Beijing, to do Shashtang Namaskar (Indian way of prostrating at one's feet). It is as yet unclear as to whether he did "Abhivadiye" as well :) No less than 130 other luminaries accompanied the Prime Minister , no doubt to clinch innumerable trade deals (rumours to the effect that they have gone there to sample Peking Duck are strictly untrue).

I have been scouring the newspapers as to what sort of trade deals these worthy leaders of the British Empire have struck. Only one real deal has been reported so far. Britain will now be able to export pig semen to China.

Until now, Britain was unable to export pig semen to China, because apparently Chinese sows had concluded that their would be British  suitors, er, rather smelled. China did not want its dainty damsel sows, "polluted" by laowais.. The British Prime Minister and his 130 strong entourage succeeded, after marathon negotiations, to convince the Chinese that British pigs did not smell. The clincher was achieved when it was pointed out that suitors would not travel to China, but instead, er, only the manifestation of their manhood, would .

Animal Rights activists perhaps protested that it was unfair that Romeos and Juliets were not allowed to coo sweet nothings personally, before being asked to maximise "production". Such protests were firmly quelched - on the Chinese side, by rounding up the entire lot and sending them to the 114th People's Prison in Hohhot, Inner Mongolia, and on the British side by Sir Humphrey Appleby proclaiming that for services to country and Her Majesty, the aforesaid love deprived pigs would be awarded the Order of the Thistle and Garter (2nd grade).

It is  well known in knowledgeable circles the the male species amongst China's various living organisms are rather less well endowed than their counterparts from the West. Now it has been expertly opined that British pigs were capable of producing 30 piglets a year, whereas the Chinese cousin could only manage 16. Pork is the staple food of the Chinese, and the fact that the Chinese were prepared to overlook the insult to their manhood to satisfy their bellies, is proof that the stomach is mightier than the organs further south.

The British are crowing about this trade deal saying that it will generate some £45m. It is unclear as to whether the great and mighty British empire has fallen to such levels where the aforementioned sum is considered "big". I suspect it is the affirmation of the superiority of British manhood , albeit of the porcine variety, that has made the British crow about the deal. Well, it wouldn't be cricket to boast about the size of the matter in question (deal I mean), but in the pubs across Westminster, after a few pints, that is precisely the boast being made !

What a spectacular, almighty, game changing deal that the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland has achieved along with 130 illustrious subjects of Her Majesty, the Queen, traveling halfway around the world.

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